you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
