Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
smell my finger.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
