guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
