Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
two words...techno handjob
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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