we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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