First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
