Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm passing your future prison.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
