im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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