I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
