I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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