literally had 100 drinks last night.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
