She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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