Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
