well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
