i think my tv is drunk
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
