I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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