Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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