i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
