i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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