My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
