I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
