dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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