Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
