So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Randomize
