He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
