Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's shark week go big or go home
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
