I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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