i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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