the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
