ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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