I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
