you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize