sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
