I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
