I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
