life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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