I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
