My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
