as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
