They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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