Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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