Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Is it because I queefed?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
