just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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