need another drink. this is the easiest way
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
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Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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