I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
