I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
