and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize