so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.