I've blown a few things in my day
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*