The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.