I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
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Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.