Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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