i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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