PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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