the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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