I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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