I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
