Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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