just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
