yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
